The people of Donegal breathed a huge sigh of relief today after it was established there are absolutely no ties whatsoever between Ireland’s forgotten county and the newly-elected US President, Donald J. Trump. The news was confirmed by hand size experts at the Department of Donegology in Letterkenny IT.
A team of five Donegologists, including three dedicated hand size specialists, have been carrying out extensive research on the subject ever since Trump hinted that he might have Irish ancestry during a trip to Doonbeg to investigate the possibility of building an evil lair doubling as a golf course and resort during the holiday season.
“There is no possible way that President Trump could have any Donegal DNA,” confirmed Professor Manus Kandinsky, “We conducted a vast array of measurements using a custom-made Vernier Caliper calibrated specifically for Donegal people, and his overall hand size came in an order of magnitude smaller than the likes of Packie Bonner and Shay Given.”
However, there was bad news for our Scottish neighbours after a separate study confirmed President Trump’s Scotch heritage. The study, which was published in the journal ‘Nature’, involved scientists seating President Trump in an anechoic chamber and throwing a penny at him to see how he would react. Despite being a multi-millionaire, it was observed that President Trump scrambled desperately for the coin and fought off several scientists when they tried to retrieve it.