International travel and hospitality expert, Roy Keane, is to formally inspect the accommodation assigned to the Irish Olympic Team for Rio 2016.
The former World Cup participant is making his way to Rio at the moment as part of a special envoy, tasked with reporting back to the Olympic Council of Ireland on the standard of lodgings given to the Irish team.
He will also investigate negative reports from prime donnas in other delegations that the accommodation is fucking awful.
Keane is expected to arrive at the Olympic Village once he “gets through the bloody airport”.
It’s not known whether he intends calling any of the Rio officials ‘Wankers’, but he is expected to tuck into the prawn sandwiches rumoured to be on the buffet table in the athletes canteen.
If any of the Irish officials travelling with the team in Rio take issue with any of Keane’s findings (in particular if they’ve travelled in first class while the athletes have been booked into cargo), Keane is expected to tell them to stick their Olympics up their arse.