Armchair eschatologists were left bitterly disappointed last night after it emerged that the entire population of planet Earth had, once again, failed to make the cut for the ‘rapture’.
Following detailed readings of a collection of ancient texts produced by various unknown authors almost two-thousand years ago, a team of online apocalypse experts predicted that the end of the world as we know it would occur on Wednesday the 7th of October with all true Christian believers being fast-tracked to Paradise. However, as midnight came and went it quickly emerged that the entire population of Earth had once again failed to make the grade.
This is not the first time Christians have been left disappointed by God’s stringent admission policy, having failed to make the cut in 500 (as predicted by Hippolytus of Rome, Sextus Julius Africanus, and Irenaeus), 793 (Beatus of Liébana), 800 (Sextus Julius Africanus, again), 799 (Gregory of Tours), 848 (Thiota of Alemannia), 1000 (Pope Sylvester II), 1260 (Joachim of Fiore), 1284 (Pope Innocent III), 1370 (Jean de Roquetaillade), 1378 (Arnaldus de Villa Nova), 1524 (Johannes Stöffler), 1528 (Johannes Stöffler, again), 1533 (Melchior Hoffman), 1555 (Pierre d’Ailly), 1585 (Michael Servetus), 1588 (Regiomontanus), 1600 (Martin Luther), 1648 (Sabbatai Zevi), 1656 (Christopher Columbus), 1657 (The Fifth Monarchists), 1658 (Christopher Columbus, again), 1666 (Sabbatai Zevi, again), 1673 (The Fifth Monarchists, again), 1688 (John Napier), 1697 (Cotton Mather), 1700 (John Napier, again), 1716 (Cotton Mather, again), 1734 (Nicholas of Cusa), 1736 (Cotton Mather, again), 1757 (Emanuel Swedenborg), 1805 (Christopher Love), 1836 (John Wesley), 1843 (Harriet Livermore), 1844 (William Miller), 1847 (Harriet Livermore, again), 1901 (The Catholic Apostolic Church), 1918 (The International Bible Students Association), 1920 (The International Bible Students Association, again), 1936 (Herbert W. Armstrong), 1943 (Herbert W. Armstrong, again), 1967 (Jim Jones), 1972 (Herbert W. Armstrong, again), 1975 (Herbert W. Armstrong, again), 1982 (Pat Robertson), 1988 (Edgar Whisenant), 1989 (Edgar Whisenant, again), September 6th 1994 (Harold Camping), September 29th 1994 (Harold Camping, again), October 2nd 1994 (Harold Camping, again), 1995 (Harold Camping, again), 2007 (Pat Robertson, again), May 21st 2011 (Harold Camping, again), and October 21st (Harold Camping, again).
In response to criticism over Heaven’s ‘closed-door’ policy, a source close to Paradise said that God Almighty regards the so-called ‘Christian’ population of Earth to be metaphysical migrants rather than genuine spiritual refugees in need of salvation and that it was important to preserve the social and cultural identity of Heaven.