1. Dublin is the capital of Ireland. Its name in Irish is “Baile Atha Cliath”. Many of you (from Gweedore) will be tempted to leave out the “Atha” part of this, do so at your peril. You’ll go from one of those cool-sounding Irish speakers on TG4 to a sheep-shit-eating mountain yolk in under 2.54 seconds.
2. NOBODY outside of Donegal drinks Tennent’s lager. When you’re in one of the many pubs of Dorset Street (only those with advanced fluency in ‘Dublin’ will make it across the Liffey to Flannery’s of Camden Street) order a Heineken or a Guinness. If you’re drinking Smithwicks, you’re on slippery ground. One utterance of the words ‘Pinta Tennent’s’ will have you excommunicated from the bar where you’ll be taken to the Dublin/Louth/Meath border and thrown in the ditch.
3. Many Dublin people still think that Donegal is part of Northern Ireland. This is a reasonable belief for Dublin people (especially those from the South Dublin area) to have. If you encounter this, simply smile and correct them politely, informing them that Donegal won its independence from the Catholic Church in 1997, only two years after it was the only county in Ireland to say NO to divorce.
4. If you’re from one of the Donegal Islands (in particular, Tory Island), LIE! Do not reveal where you are from at ANY costs. Country people are tolerated in Dublin, however, Islanders are seen as a different form of sub-species entirely.
5. If you’re in a take-away after the pub, try and read the menu above the counter and order from there. Just because you get a localised ‘Chip Wutty’ up at home, don’t expect a Dubliner to know what manner of devil’s shlop you’ve just had the audacity to ask for.
6. Do not visit any of Dublin’s cultural sites like the Yeats Library or the National History Museum. All Donegal folk are uncouth philistines from birth and should never try and pretend otherwise.
7. If you do get chatting to a man/woman that you fancy, please do not expect them to know the exact speck of rock in Donegal that you’re from. If anyone asks you whereabouts in Donegal you’re from, just smile and say “near Letterkenny”.
8. If you’re out until the wee hours, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE bring a change of shirt or T-shirt for the next day. There’s nothing that drags the county down more than the sight of a gang of Donegal men still pished from the night before, wearing their GAA jerseys walking hunched down O’Connell Street, fags dangling from their mouths. Have a shower, change your clothes and stand up straight, lawd.
9. If you see any Donegal celebrities in Dublin, or old schoolmates you haven’t seen in years, ignore them and do not approach under ANY circumstances. The reason they moved to Dublin was to get away from the likes of you.