This head of cabbage has been appointed to the Oireachtas Banking Inquiry in what is being described as a cynical move on the part of the government to make sure that the vegetables have a majority.

Earlier today, Taoiseach Enda Kenny made the announcement that “such a fine head of Green Savoy Cabbage would bring impartiality to the proceedings, ensuring that the inquiry could now set about on its important task of looking like vegetables”.

The popular Irish staple that usually accompanies bacon and potatoes will take its place alongside the republic’s bananas, the beet-root cause of the issue, turnip for the books and shallot of unsecured bank debt in further proof that political spinach-doctoring against Fianna Fáil is to be at the core of the inquiry’s terms of reference.

In other news, the recommendations of An Bórd Parsnip Nua are not expected to be kaled back at news that Irish revenues for 2014 are ahead of target.