With Met Éireann having upgraded the weather alert for county Donegal to ‘red’ this afternoon and the prospect of 150 kph gusts later this evening, Donegal folk are understandably worried about what the meteorological future might have in store for Ireland’s greatest county. But fear not! Donegal Dollop are on hand to present a comprehensive guide to wind during this difficult time.

1. Wind was first introduced to Ireland in pre-Christian times by the ‘aes sídhe’, a supernatural race of fairies who specialise in large scale air movements. Descendents of this ancient fairy race have gone on to play a significant role in modern history, including Gusty Spence, Warren Buffett, and Alex ‘Hurricane’ Higgins.

2. Since joining the EU in 1973, Ireland has imported much of its wind from the Greek God, Boreas.

3. After years of tireless research, singer-songwriter Charlie Landsborough finally discovered what colour the wind was in March, 2006. Despite early speculation that it may have been coloured yellow, red, or perhaps even blue, Landsborough’s null hypothesis was officially rejected when laboratory studies confirmed it was, in fact, a dark shade of taupe.

4. If you find yourself caught in a windstorm while out camping with an attractive member of the opposite sex, you can survive by stripping naked and sharing the same sleeping bag. Scientists don’t yet understand how or why this works, it just does.

5. It’s a popular myth that wind turbines can’t be turned on during stormy weather. This is not true, they are, in fact, moving so fast the human eye can’t actually perceive the motion, a phenomenon known as Beaufort-Nyquist sampling error.

6. In 2012, the Mistral was voted Wind of the Year by Time Magazine, beating off stiff northwesterly‎ competition from several other high profile winds, including the Sirocco, the Bayamo, The Harmattan, and the Wind in the Willows.

7. Tory people are shorter than regular Donegal folk, this ensures that they aren’t blown off the island as a result of the harsh North Atlantic weather conditions. This is one of the main sources of primary evidence underpinning modern evolutionary theory.

8. In a slightly more extreme example of evolutionary adaptation, Inishbofinites have developed webbed feet to enable them to tread water for long periods of time in sheltered coves during periods of high wind. This is not one of the main sources of primary evidence underpinning modern evolutionary theory, however, because scientists haven’t yet discovered Inishbofin.

9. In 1986, as an act of sheer defiance against the terrifying power of nature, the good people of Donegal decided to build an airport in Carrickfinn, officially the windiest location in the known universe (apart from Magheragallon).

10. During the great storm of 1958, northwesterly winds grew so strong Errigal Mountain was knocked over. It took 100 cranes three weeks to put it standing upright again.

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