"Not a catholic tea shop"
“Not a catholic tea shop”

The Prime Minister of Ireland, Enda Kenny, has sensationally rejected any notion that he is a Catholic Tea Shop.

He made the announcement in the Dáil yesterday as a response to the Bishops’ equally abstract statement on “Truth about Life” or something.

While the father of the house admitted to practicing “the old religion”, he went on to state that he “although he was a Catholic, he was not a Catholic tea shop.”

The move surprised many in the Dáil chamber, who listened in stunned silence as he went on to describe the items he had been sent in the post over the course of the legislative process surrounding the Protection of Life During Pregnancy Bill.

“I’ve been sent tea bags with aborted foetuses in them, from Knock, a cash register with a picture of the sacred heart on it, a doorbell that plays Hosanna in the Highest, a kettle that Jesus appears on when it boils and my personal favourite, fairy cupcakes in the form of little crowns of thorns,” explained the Fine Gael leader, defiant in the face of pressure to hold prayers and tea meetings from the Irish fundamentalist Catholic far right.

It’s understood he has consulted with Senator Fidelma Healy Eames, who in her eternal quest to become a Teachta Dali Lama on social media, told him that she “was talking to a man and a woman that she speaks to.”