A moment of silence for Larry the Leprechaun...
A moment of silence for Larry the Leprechaun…

Érann, Goddess of the Lake, Lough Erne, Fermanagh, RIP – Head decapitated by the rudder of Angela Merkel’s speedboat as she cruised over the lake en route to an off the record press conference with German media. Érann is survived by her descendants, the Clanna Dedad.

Mohammad “Binlad” Abdulla, Letterkenny, RIP – A Letterkenny refuse collector for the council who was taken out by a CIA sniper after typing the words “flight training, bomb and America” into his google search engine. Mohammad was interested in becoming a pilot, was planning a trip to America and thought Kanye West was ‘da bomb’.

Larry the Leprechaun, Glencolmcille, RIP – Also murdered by American security for mooning Obama when he was out the back of Lough Erne Resort hotel having a fag. Allegedly the American president had bummed a Marlboro Light off one of the hotel staff, and when he shrieked in horror at Larry’s pudgy, blotchy, hairy wee Leprechaun ass, he gave the order for him to be taken out. Larry’s lucky charms are now visible to all in Fermanagh and a treasure hunt is expected to ensue.

Gráinne Ní Shimléar, Ardsbeg and Singapore, RIP – A serial tourist, Gráinne choked on that wile bad shmog that’s hovering over Singapore at the moment when she nipped outside Changi airport for some fresh air. Upon stating that “jeesh Shingapore’s not sunny at all hiy”, the air pollution from forest fires in neighboring Indonesia smothered her.

Tommy Teetotal, Lifford and Dublin, RIP – Murdered by a bunch of marketing mad men in suits for suggesting that alcohol should be banned from sporting events. Tommy never touched a drop, but was known to drop a touch here and there on the local women, who are not sorry to see the back of the wastard.

Jimmy an tSeanduine, Machaire Rabhartaigh, RIP – Died of boredom on a wile long day after uttering the words “won’t be long now ’til the evening’s are gettin’ short”… for the 200th time.