In preparation for the upcoming Saint Patrick’s Day festivities, the Department of the Environment is in the final stages of planning a parcel drop on every household in Ireland, of a complete self-contained kit for getting absolutely smashed on booze this coming Sunday.
The move comes over mounting concerns about the price of wine in supermarkets when a euro was added to every bottle at the last budget.
The kits are to be funded by the first tranche of property tax payments, whose yearly dues are said to total about 20% of a typical Irish household’s drinking budget.
Donegal Dollop gained EXCLUSIVE access to the warehouse in which the kits are being prepared. They contain:
• 2 large bottle of HUZZAR vodka (ABSOLUT vodka will be distributed to South Dublin postcodes)
• 4 large bottles of whiskey
• 2 bottles of Brandy
• A crate of red bull
• Two crates of Wicked/Smirnoff Ice/Other sugary alcoholic drink
• A keg of Lager
• Small green and gold card with a plastic yellow harp attached to it
• Cheap green face-paints
• Clump of dirty shamrock plant shoddily attached to a safety pin that’s too small
• Naff looking Leprechaun hat with attached itchy fake ginger beard
• 1 can of Guiness for effect
An Post have temporarily rented up to 100 extra delivery vans to help deliver the parcels, with the National Coastguard on hand to drop packages to the Islands by Helicopter in the event of inclement weather.
Irish citizens will have the option of taking a “lite” version of the kits, as not all Irish people are heavy drinkers. These versions of the kit will only have three of the large bottles of whiskey instead of four.