Government to Issue Saint Patrick’s Day “Drinking Kit” to Every Irish Household

Posted by Charlie Pterosaur on in Ecumenical Matters, Lifestyle, News
Essential Survival Kit for the National Day of Drinking...

Essential Survival Kit for the National Day of Drinking…

In preparation for the upcoming Saint Patrick’s Day festivities, the Department of the Environment is in the final stages of planning a parcel drop on every household in Ireland, of a complete self-contained kit for getting absolutely smashed on booze this coming Sunday.

The move comes over mounting concerns about the price of wine in supermarkets when a euro was added to every bottle at the last budget.

The kits are to be funded by the first tranche of property tax payments, whose yearly dues are said to total about 20% of a typical Irish household’s drinking budget.

Donegal Dollop gained EXCLUSIVE access to the warehouse in which the kits are being prepared. They contain:

• 2 large bottle of HUZZAR vodka (ABSOLUT vodka will be distributed to South Dublin postcodes)
• 4 large bottles of whiskey
• 2 bottles of Brandy
• A crate of red bull
• Two crates of Wicked/Smirnoff Ice/Other sugary alcoholic drink
• A keg of Lager
• Small green and gold card with a plastic yellow harp attached to it
• Cheap green face-paints
• Clump of dirty shamrock plant shoddily attached to a safety pin that’s too small
• Naff looking Leprechaun hat with attached itchy fake ginger beard
• 1 can of Guiness for effect

An Post have temporarily rented up to 100 extra delivery vans to help deliver the parcels, with the National Coastguard on hand to drop packages to the Islands by Helicopter in the event of inclement weather.

Irish citizens will have the option of taking a “lite” version of the kits, as not all Irish people are heavy drinkers. These versions of the kit will only have three of the large bottles of whiskey instead of four.

About Charlie Pterosaur

Squatter in the derelict house at Termon that for years had the words 'Bord Fáilte Approved Piddle Stop' painted on the side. Freelancing since getting the sack from an Irish Sunday tabloid for pointing out how incredibly fucking dull exaggerated crime-reporting is.

5 Responses to Government to Issue Saint Patrick’s Day “Drinking Kit” to Every Irish Household

  1. Grainne Sweeney

    This is outrageous, not everyone in Ireland gets drunk on Paddy’s day, shame on you – how do you think this’ll look for Tthe Gathering visitors, and it a recession? Shame

  2. Rose Doyle

    You’re right, Grainne. I know a few non-nationals who will remain sober.

    • jesus mcginty

      Haha Rose

  3. Aodh an Ólta

    What about Buckie and fegs?

  4. marie

    Hahahahahah absolutely brilliant!

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