'Bhfuil Rrrrrrut agat?"
‘Bhfuil Rrrrrrut agat?”

A Lifford woman who sensationally stopped smoking on New Year’s Day is adamant that she is still a non-smoker, despite already smoking four cigarettes since this morning.

Forty-six-year-old Maire Ní Bhorough, from just past the roundabout in Lifford, stopped smoking on New Year’s Day after contracting a stomach vomiting bug and a sore throat.

“I knew I’d have to be strong not to ingest the carbon monoxide and thousands of chemicals in a fag when I was feeling so shit,” she said, before admitting that “not poisoning oneself is probably the hardest thing a human being can do.” She lit up again shortly after that.

It is not yet known if Ní Bhorough has removed the four nicotine patches from her shoulder which she placed after chomping two packets of nicotine replacement gum and an electronic cigarette.

“All it takes is willpower,” she said, wretching through another cigarette, before adding (between puffs) that “anything else and you’re just kidding yourself.”

Meanwhile in the States, the CEO of a large multi-national conglomerate is wondering which part of his business he’ll focus on today, cigarettes or nicotine replacement products (aka cigarettes).