A bug on it's way 'round
A bug on it’s way ’round

Medical experts have today warned that “there’s a bug going ’round” and Donegal residents should take necessary precautions.

The bug is believed to be of the ‘nasty’ or ‘wile’ varieties and has a life span of exactly 24 hours. Those most vulnerable to the bug are children and adult males, while mammies are immune, thank God.

Once infected by the bug, patients are advised to drink plenty of Lucozade, lie on the sofa and watch Shortland Street, The Jeremy Kyle Show and, where possible, Murder She Wrote. The infected are to avoid solids, although mammies are permitted to give a stat dose of “try a piece of toast sure” when appropriate. Should patients be confined to bed, a brightly coloured plastic basin must be placed within two feet of their mouth.

Eircom were this morning preparing for a system overload due to grannies and aunties phoning up every five minutes to ask “how’s the patient?” and to offer a bizarre list of remedies that may include giving a 5-year-old a shot of brandy. Doctors are advising all mammies to ignore such advice and to follow the guidelines outlined above.