A politician from Donegal, with the help of some paid speech-writing consultants probably, managed to write a speech yesterday, and deliver it up in the Dáil during a pointless no-confidence motion in the current government.
To achieve this gargantuan feat of Herculean merit, TD Pearse Doherty used his magic doors to leg it up quick smart to Kildare Street, in time to deliver the opening speech to the 5% of the 166 TD’s that were in attendance to hear the inane rambling that every opposition politician has to orally ‘evacuate’ during the week after a budget is announced.
Elsewhere in the chamber, another Donegal TD (who we cannot name for legal reasons), let off a massive fart and enjoyed the smell of it wafting around him as his lunch at Buswell’s repeated on him at various intervals. “I couldn’t help it, I just had to let her out sa,” he said.
Also during the debate, Fianna Fáil leader Míchael Martin delivered a scathing attack on Government Health policy and spending before stating that James Reilly was the worst Health Minister since Martin himself held the office in 2004.
Clare Daly and Mick Wallace did not fornicate during the speeches, and up at the back, a pair of glasses on a nose were representing Deputy Joe Higgins. During one speech, deputy Shane Ross waved a bunch of A4 papers before going back to reading his latest book on his time with a secret sect of psychic economists in 2005.
A new opinion poll has shown a dramatic increase in support for An Ceann Comhairle, for deeds of extreme endurance in having to sit through pre-written speech after pre-written speech. Dáil staff are in secret talks with Westminster to bring back some of the old English traditions like being able to orate about a subject as opposed to reading about it and some better sparring time-slot allocations between the Taoseach and leader of the opposition, Clare Daly, in the hope it will liven things up a bit like they are over on the Mainland.
Meanwhile, for any of our readers wondering what that Donegal TD’s fart smelled like, please contact a local conjecture news site as they have been kissing the TD’s ass for a whole year now.