Molested hamster?

A Donegal woman, who can’t be named because her name is too hard to spell, has claimed that veteran ‘comedian’ Freddie Starr molested her hamster in 1974. The latest claim is the second hamster-related allegation made against Starr in his long and checkered career.

In 1986, The Sun newspaper ran with the headline ‘Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster’ in an article which accused Starr of putting a woman’s hamster in a sandwich and eating it. Many readers of the British tabloid felt duped into believing that ‘hamster’ was a euphemism for fanny and were saddened to learn that it was in fact an actual hamster. They soon cheered up, however, as there was a picture of a teenage girl’s tits on page 3, plus a free moral compass for every reader.

The latest accusation against Starr comes from Donegal (Whooop, that’s where we live), where a woman claims that the funnyman molested her hamster whilst on holidays in the Gaeltacht. The woman claims that Starr felt up the hamster who, although of legal age, did not give full consent.

The latest whistleblower to expose Starr’s misconduct has come under fire from irate fans of the comedian. “Yer wan should hould her whiest! Freddie is wile funny so he is, ah he’s some craic. Sure it’s only a buckin’ hamshter.” said one angry Starraphille.

The hamster, now 67, declined our invitation to be interviewed.