At a press conference held in Inishowen today, Minister for Social Protection Joan Burton TD announced the appointment of Dog the Bounty Hunter to the role of The Gauger for all of Donegal.
Minister Bruton said she is delighted with her office’s selection of the Reality TV bail bondsman as chief nosey wastard in charge of cutting people’s dole.
This is the first time that The Gauger’s identity has been made known to the people since the creation of the role in 1977, when Taoiseach Liam Cosgrave recited a mystical verse opening a portal to another dimension.
Dog the Bounty Hunter, real name Seamus the Bounty Hunter, originally from Glencolmcille has already begun his duties as The Gauger and told Donegal Dollop, “I am so psyched, brah. I can’t wait to patrol the county, bringing benefit fraudsters to justice, brah.”
The role of The Gauger was loosened slightly from 1999-2008 when the Fianna Fáil government used dole increases to keep voters docile like an economic version of The Matrix. Minister Bruton hopes that Mr. Bounty Hunter will bring a new ferocity as The Gauger, cutting fuel allowance, rent allowance, and pepper spraying people on X’s & O’s.
Donegal Dollop spoke with one work-shy gentleman today after Dog the Bounty Hunter means tested him; “Ara, we had it grand back in the boom days, sure weren’t we all doin’ the double back then. I suppose it’s only fair the long-haired buck cut me down to €30 a week. But he kept goin’ on about bras, so I just told him my wife’s dead, God rest her.”