A Gweedore takeaway ran out of its famous “dhá chicken bhurger, chip butty ‘s churry chip Denise” dish, after a stampede last Saturday night.

At 2:45am, things were running smoothly at the “Batter Your Way to a Battered-Sausage” take-away near the Seaview Hotel (also known as “Ghuth Shoutláil, Chips a Fháil”), with the usual crowd of pushing wastards shouting their heads off to get fed after a night on the tear.

Panic ensued when a band of deranged and hungry revellers from Glenties (who fancied a change from “Na Limelight”), begged their bus-driver to “hang ta fluke on” for fifteen minutes while they went to get chips, or “chaps” as they’re colloquially known in Gweedore.

Not familiar with the local ordering technique they mistakenly asked for items as separate words like “Chicken Burger and Chips” or “Curried Chips” – and their requests got lost in the frantic shouting for the only food item available to customers at that hour, the “dhá chicken bhurger, chip butty ‘s churry chip Denise. ” As various permutations of chicken burgers, chip butties and curried chips were flung over the counter into the mouths of the hungry hoards, staff at the take-away realised they had run out of stock and were unable to meet the demand.

The crowd started throwing bottles when informed that “dhá chicken nugget ‘sinion ring” was the only dish left. The Glenties “wans” ran back to their bus, begging their driver to “do the tonne” to Glenties so they could catch last-orders at the Limelight’s pleasant indoor take-away.

Gardaí are interviewing people under the “Order Your Food Politely Ya Drunk Wastard” Act 1994 and are expected to force mandatory take-away usage training for all Gweedore people to be run in Supermacs of Eyre Square, Galway over the next few weekends.

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