Donegal’s own Chloe Magee got off to a convincing start in her Olympic campaign last night. However, moments after her win, Bill O’Herlihy caused a bit of a sectarian stir by referring to badminton as a “Protestant sport”. This has left many an Irish sports fan scratching their head as to what exactly constitutes a Protestant sport. As always, Donegal Dollop is on hand to help you sort out your facts from your fiction:
- Any sport where you can stop for tea halfway through and still go out and finish the game afterwards is a Protestant sport. If you have crumpets along with your tea you get extra Protestant bonus points.
- The venues at Protestant sporting events are always a lot tidier than at Catholic sporting events, this is because Protestants love cleaning. If you are unsure whether you are at a Protestant or Catholic sporting event, the first thing you should do is run your finger along some surfaces to check for dust.
- Protestant sports hold transubstantiation in a much lower regard than many other sports. However, this may not always be apparent to the casual observer. If you are unsure what religion your sport is, you may have to stop the referee and ask him or her their views on the eucharist.
- Possession generally plays a very important role in Protestant sports. It is quite common in Protestant sports to flood entire areas of the pitch with numerous players and to dig in and maintain possession for as long possible while shouting “NEVER!” at members of the opposing team.
- Any sport that involves the use of a horse and any implement other than a jockey’s whip is a Protestant sport. If you actually use your horse to travel to the venue you get extra Protestant bonus points.
- Many people believe soccer is a Protestant sport purely because oranges are a common half-time snack, this is pure coincidence. Soccer was actually invented by Scientologists 75 million years ago before being stolen by the Brits.
- Hang sangwidges = Catholic sport. Prawn sandwiches = Protestant sport.