Brenda Daily, Mission Impossible?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have apparently reached a settlement in their divorce proceedings, nearly seventeen years after Donegal famously voted “No” to the ending of the Irish constitutional prohibition on divorce.

The settlement, announced today in a joint statement, will see Katie being granted sole custody of their daughter, Siri. It is also rumored that Holmes will retain all proceeds from the couple’s alleged lucrative deal with Apple, to allow use of the ‘Siri’ name in the voice-controlled operating system of a similar name in the recently launched iPhone 4s.

The split is good news to critics of Scientology everywhere, but one Donegal woman is seeing the split as a chance to finally get on the “love radar” of the “juicy-assed sex-bomb, Tom Cruise”, on whom she’s had a crush on for the past twenty years.

Brenda Daily is a forty-three year old post-op transsexual, originally from North Dublin but now living in Letterkenny, who has had her eye on the Hollywood superstar for quite some time. “Come ‘ere an oil tell ya, oi was gutted in 2007. Dere oi was watchin’ me Oprah on da telly, when Crew-uz hopped off de couch professin his undoying luv for Holmes – me whole wurld stopped in dah moment and I tought to meself, oil never be mounted by dah beast of a roide,” she told one of our reporters earlier.

News of the divorce has given Brenda, who works as an online news journalist specializing in Hollywood gossip, that she is now in with a fighting chance at winning the hand of Tom. “Oil even have da bleedin weddin in Donegal – now if only da hole cuntry had voht’ed NO to da divorce, me and Mr. Crew’uz wood a beeen ah ih for loife,” she added.

Mission Impossible? All of us at the Dollop wish Ms. Daily the very best of luck in her quest to garner attention from the Cruise camp.