Donegal has announced today that effective immediately, it has left the Eurozone.
Unbeknownst to the Troika, Donegal County Council, given the mild winter, has managed to stockpile enough salt to last for at least a year, which has been crushed into small fingernail-sized cubes and covered in a waterproof resin, which locals will now use as legal tender.
The victory of Francois Hollande and the increasing unlikelihood of Greece being able to form a stable coalition to continue its country’s harsh austerity policies is thought to have propelled the council boys and girls at Lifford to initiate Donegal’s emergency ‘buck them all hiy’ mechanism. As of now, all euros in circulation in Donegal are no longer legal tender, as the county will turn to its elder generation to explain the intricacies of bartering salt.
Maggie Ní Margadh, a retired grocer from Dunfanaghy explains: “Aye, you look him in the eye and you offer a cube, if he says your salt’s worth nawthin, tell him you’ll curse him, his hiers and his donkey hiy.”
Bank deposits will remain as is for the moment, while the council install a chute beside each ATM from which they’ll pour the salt into the hole in the wall. “We’ve kept the exchange rate quite simple,” they said in a statement, “one euro is worth 1.362 cubes of salt and all houses will be given a small penknife and a weighing scales to help them break their cubes into small change.” Some residents in Letterkenny are expected to find this process easy, as they’re used to measuring small amounts of white powder.
People are visiting their elderly relatives to raid the mattresses of Donegal for some of the old currency, though Maggie is adamant it won’t be worth anything. “Useless Punts,” she exclaimed.