Mmmmm, meatball sub

A Downings man who narrowly escaped death has been told by Doctors the he will be alright before he gets married. Finn McCool told Donegal Dollop that he was lucky to be alive, “I’m lucky to be alive,” said Finn.

Yesterday evening Finn became embroiled in a sequence of freak accidents which so nearly ended his life. Unicycle enthusiast Finn had been out for his daily bike ride on his one-wheeler when a stray goat ran out in front of him causing him to swerve in the direction of a woman who was about to take a bite out of a meatball and jalapeno footlong sub (only €2.99 at Mettigan’s Subs). Finn narrowly avoided the woman, however, the offending sandwich smacked him right in the face, the piping hot meatball sauce scolded his face and the fresh spicy jalapeno peppers got into his eyes, temporarily blinding him.

The delicious sandwich, which comes in a variety of sauces, now dripping on Finn’s face, enticed a swarm of bees to dine on him causing multiple stings to his already sore eyes. Now blinded and covered in bees, and with mouth-watering hot meatball sauce sliding down his face and chest, Finn, on his unicycle, picked up speed as he went down a hill, eventually coming to a stop when he hit a stone wall, flipping arse over tit over the wall and into a bunch of stingy nettles.

The fall caused a number of cuts and bruises, made worse by the nettles stings, made worse again by the weed killer being sprayed by a CE Scheme worker who hadn’t noticed the injured man covered in bees and succulent meatballs sticking out of the bunch of nettles.

Finn was rushed to the Now-Doc, where on arrival he was given to a dose of there-there, STAT! Doctors worked frantically to treat Finn’s boo-boos and pwea-pweas using an entire packet of Mister Men sticky plasters. An hour after his treatment Finn was showing signs of recovery, sitting up in his jammies and eating a Choc Ice. The news from Doctors that he will be “alright before he gets married” comes as a huge relief to both Finn and his fiancée, Sharon McGettican of McGettican’s Subs, Downings.