A confused ‘Can’t Pay, Won’t Pay’ protester from Ramelton was plucked from a grassy knoll just in time on Tuesday, as he prepared to begin sniping down pensioners in the street as they made their way to collect their pension.
The protester, who wishes to remain anonymous “in case I have to go undercover,” but is known to friends as ‘Mad Martin’, had fashioned himself a gun out of a coat hanger, a sock, and a rifle, and was about to begin targeting innocent pensioners all because of a mix-up over a strategy memo that had been texted to campaigners the week previous, informing them that they were to begin “targeting pensioners at the post office.”
“I received the memo alright, but I didn’t read it properly and I missed the meeting the day after because I was hungover as sin,” explained Mr. Martin. “I suppose I was quick to jump to conclusions, but if you were on Mallet’s Mallet and Timmy said to you ‘target’ then what would you say? Tell the truth – you’d say ‘gun’, or ‘shoot’, wouldn’t you?” he added.
“The other thing is that some of the other ‘cantpaywontpayers’ were chatting about building a gun turret and saying how they were away to rent some war films to get their ideas from. How was I to know?”
“To tell the truth, it seemed like a reasonable plan to me – if they’re not around, then they won’t be paying the charge, will they? And they’re far handier to pick off, thanks to all the replacement body parts they do be sporting” he concluded.
Visibly relieved, Mad Martin added “anyway, I’m glad it’s sorted out now, and I’ll be getting wasted in the pub later on tonight with the very people I might’ve ended up wasting.”