Government to Roll Out New ‘Direct Privation’ Scheme

The Government have this evening announced that they plan to replace the controversial ‘Direct Provision’ scheme (which aims to meet the basic needs of food and shelter for asylum seekers directly while their claims for refugee status are being processed) Read more

Billy-No-Mates Finally Gets ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Nomination

A 36-year-old Donegal man has finally received an ALS Ice Bucket Challenge nomination. Billy-No-Mates, an unemployed bachelor who still lives with his parents, was notified via Facebook of his nomination late last night, roughly 3 weeks after the Ice Bucket Read more

ECB Divides Key Interest Rate by Zero

The ECB has divided its main refinancing rate by 0 in a move expected to cause its main calculator to show an error. Making the announcement earlier today, ECB President Mario Draghi said they were now at the point where Read more

Strike Action at Iarnród Éireann Averted, Donegal People Not Bothered Either Way

Talks at the Labour Relations Commission have resulted in the proposed rail strike to be called off by Iarnród Éireann affecting absolutely no one in Donegal in any way, shape or form. Donegal, situated in the North West of the Read more

Burton Unveils “Work-Bridge-Job-Path-Employment-Bridge-Service-Way”

Posted by Charlie Pterosaur on in Business, News | Leave a comment
"The Architect"

Minister for Social Protection Joan Burton has announced a revolutionary employment scheme called “Work-Bridge-Job-Path-Employment-Bridge-Service-Way” Unlike its previous inception, “Nothing for Something” (a.k.a JobBridge) this latest version of the scheme, known as “tender pretender”, allows private companies earn a fee for providing “employment services” to long term unemployed people. These include: • Synchronising synergies to realise sustainable job growth among the long term unemployed (Hoopwaffle) • Provision of services to strategically align skill-sets with the demands of a dynamic economy (More… Read More

Passenger Plane Escorted to Manchester After Passenger Dangerously Live Tweets Flight

Posted by Charlie Pterosaur on in Crime, News, Weather and Travel | Leave a comment
World of Aircraft

A passenger plane has been escorted to Manchester Airport after an alarm was raised that one of the passengers, Josh Hartley (@JoshHartley_), had his smartphone turned on during the flight, playing the popular game, “World of Aircraft”. The same flight had been subject to a military escort after the reporting of a suspect device on board, but authorities are treating the active phone signal on board as much more serious, giving rise to a request to RAF Cunilingus for emergency… Read More

Donegal Challenges Israel to ‘Square Go’

Posted by Fintan O'Toolbox on in Crime, History and Politics | 1 Comment
DLISR

Donegal has officially waded into the Israel/Palestine conflict this afternoon after Donegal County Council voted unanimously to challenge Israel to a ‘square go’. Over 30 Councillors backed the motion, which calls for Israel to stop hiding behind the United States of America and to cease their use of drones and long distance rocket strikes to target schools, hospitals, and children playing football on the beach. Under the definition outlined in the 1949 Geneva Convention, the use of such measures against… Read More

Enda Kenny to Assist Argentine PM in Completely Fucking Up Country

Posted by Charlie Pterosaur on in Business, Crime, News | Leave a comment
Yes Way Baby...

Taoiseach Enda Kenny is on his way to Buenos Aires this morning to assist the beleaguered Argentinian Prime Minister, Cristina de Kirchner, in the final stages of the complete fucking up of the South American country. As Argentina begins to default on its debts, it is understood that Argentine officials have made an official request to the Irish government for assistance in getting its population to bend over and take austerity up the ass, while the government empties their pockets. President… Read More

Whistleblowers Angered by Negative Media Coverage

Posted by Jack Hammer on in Entertainment, News | Leave a comment
Gladiators ref

Whistleblowers across the globe are up in arms after further negative coverage by the Irish media. Tin whistle player, Diddley-ay Drogba, Gladiators Referee John Anderson and a 19th century steam-train conductor are fuming about the exposure they’ve been getting in recent months. Speaking to Donegal Dollop earlier today, the whistleblowers said, “It’s a bloody disgrace - every time we turn on the TV or pick up a paper, we’re getting some sort of guff in the news. Those dicks!” Earlier in the… Read More

Minister for the Gaeltacht to be Sent to the Gaeltacht to Learn Gaeilge

Posted by Fintan O'Toolbox on in History and Politics, News | Leave a comment
gaeltacht

It has emerged this evening that neither the Senior Minister for the Gaeltacht, Heather Humphreys, nor the Junior Minister for the Gaeltacht, Joe McHugh, can actually speak Irish and that both are to be sent to Coláiste Bhríde in Rann na Feirste to complete a crash course in their mother tongue. The news should not come as too much of a shock, however, as it is, in fact, part of a long running Ministerial learning initiative introduced in the early… Read More

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